Wednesday, October 5, 2011

fear or love


“There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.”  -Anais Nin

So this is the post where I get serious.  This is the post where I recognize that this is, in fact, my breaking point.  This is the post where I I admit this is one of the worst feelings ever.  It's the middle of the night in the new chill of early October, and I feel as though I am losing my mind.  I don't know if I'm resisting sleep or if it's my body, but I am split in this ever-raging battle against restlessness. 

I tried to get out a good cry, that usually does the trick, but it would not come to me.  The tears lingered on the cusps of my already puffy lids, but they refused to flow.  Something in me told me to write.  Simply write with every bit of honesty in my being.

Tonight I heard the question "What motivates you more: fear or love?", and tonight, I mentally shut down.  

It's fear.  

As I face myself against the truth of my current reality, I have to acknowledge that I am living out of fear.  Fear of disappointing, others and myself.  Fear of uncertainty and instability, all accompanied by an overwhelming load of self-doubt.  Fear of failure, in all sense of the word.  Just fear.

That is not to say I do not love.  Oh, I have much love.  I love all my friends.  I love little moments of inspiration.  As much as I complain about it, I do love school.  I love my incredible family.   And though I have never known the love of a significant other, I'm okay with that because I know that love can exist...maybe.  I have a love for loving others, but somewhere in the midst of it all I seem to have forgotten the time to love myself.  

I've forgotten what it was like to be myself.  I do not say this to say I walk around concealed all day, forcing myself to be someone I'm not.  No, that's not it at all.  I've just forgotten to love the things in life that make me whole.  I've made EVERYTHING an obligation, and in that I've lost all passion.  A passionless pit is what my innards have become, and because of that, I worry.  I do not want to become mundane.  I just want to rediscover myself.  

I must figure out how.  I'm sure prioritizing plays a part in that, but for some reason I've forgotten how to do that as well.  I feel like Esther Greenwood in The Bell Jar.   I feel like Angela Chase from "My So-Called Life."  I feel like the song "First Breath After Coma" by Explosions in the Sky.  The term overwhelmed is one I frequently overuse, but it's the only thing coming to mind.  The mind that aches so terribly right now, the same mind that belongs to the young girl who wishes she could be writing her lit paper that's due tomorrow instead of doing this.  But this, this is necessary.  I've said it before and I'll say it again- catharsis is a beautiful thing.  I had a communications professor refer to it as "bitching", but I'd like to see it as a refined "bitching" because...

Purging my soul, asking these questions, contemplating my current state, it's necessary.  

I've reached my breaking point, now it's time to rebuild.





[Note: I'll be back to normal, lifestyle blogging soon.  I just needed to do this..for myself.  And even though this was more for personal use, thanks for reading this post if you did.  Maybe you got something out of it?  Who knows, but thank you for reading.]

8 comments:

  1. I read this a few hours ago and have been thinking about it ever since..

    I hope you start to feel a bit better soon..

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  2. I read this about an hour ago and have been thinking about it a lot.. funny when someone else, on the other side of the world writes something that seems scarily applicable to your own life... a lot to think about here..

    Hope you are feeling better soon

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  3. To an extent, to be driven by fear in the modern world is inescapable. We fear failure in a seemingly infinite number of ways we're taught to these days, and since we're guided to compare ourselves to movie stars and celebrities with means far beyond our own, we're locked in an infinite regress of disappointment at yet more fear. Even love carries with it an element of fear: fear of loss, fear of missing out on a better love than one has.

    The most helpful thing any of us can do to improve our happiness, well-being, and sense of individuality is to be happy with what we have, regardless of the outcome. It sounds like you're a lot closer to this than most people. And it isn't necessarily a bad thing that being driven by fear upsets you as much as it does: at least you're aware of it. A huge number of people will go through their lives having seldom a meaningful self-aware moment.

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  4. First off, you look gorgeous in your photo.

    Secondly, we all tend to get wrapped up in our obligations because we're just caring people and don't want to let anyone down. No one said college is easy (and phew, it is NOT easy) and the past few weeks for me have proven that. There is always of defeat and disappointment that comes along with being in college and balancing things other than a GPA.

    It seems as though you're aware - in a good way, about things and honestly that's the first step. I hope you do 'find' yourself again because once you do everything will make more sense!

    I hope you have a great weekend! Relax, take a bubble bath, go to an animal shelter and pet some puppies! If you need someone to vent, I'm here :]

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  5. I really loved reading this post, and i've linked it in my Monday 'start your week off with..' feature.

    Lauren
    http://tasteslikelove.blogspot.com

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  6. I hope you feel better soon! Sometimes we need to take a step back and just breathe.

    -Ly

    http://www.lyzhang.com

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  7. It's truly inspiring, especially as a blogger, to let out your feelings every so often. I feel like I should exclude vulnerability from my posts because I don't want to scare off any potential readers, who might think, 'Ew, a blog where she moans about her pathetic life.'

    But, this, this post, is great; it has emotion and it's real. I really dig it.

    New follower :)

    J.Lynn
    http://wildyetzenful.blogspot.com/

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  8. I'm so sorry for the stressful times you're going through. I have been there too, and I agree that writing, or expressing your feelings in some form, really does help! Sometimes you have to just keep repeating to yourself that it will get better soon, and soon, it will get better. :)

    Take care friend! I am sending you some positive vibes!

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