Wednesday, August 10, 2011
over-analzying a restless night
I have trouble sleeping most nights. Though my body begs for rest, my mind never wants to accept it. Tonight is another one of those nights. I've been trying to be better at sleeping, really I have. Instead of staying up until 6am, I'll force my mind to shut down around 2 or 3. I'll lay in my bed thinking about everything, yet thinking about absolutely nothing. It's a wild phenomena that occurs in those moments before sleep sets in, and it mystifies me.
Tonight I lay here listening to a playlist made up of Bon Iver and Elliot Smith, trying to coerce myself into a relaxed state, but all I can think about is what I think about before I sleep...if that makes any sense. So, naturally, I had to blog about it.
I believe I'm hesitant to sleep because I'm afraid of the dreams I'll have. I'm a very vivid dreamer, and my non-commital self doesn't want to wake with the responsibility of remembering these dreams in the morning. I worry about the puzzles my mind will try to solve the next morning, the over-analzying of the familiar faces I see. Many shrug them off as just miscellaneous conjures of the mind, but I am the one who wishes to constantly wonder "What does it mean?"
The other night, as I lay sleepless on an air mattress in Atlanta, surrounded by irritating static, it occurred to me that the lullabies of our youth have been replaced by the glow of a television/computer screen. Is this how far we have evolved? I noted how I often ache for simplicity, yet barely remember what exactly it is that I yearn for.
I want to lay here, and think of something to dream about. A scenario, a person, a memory, but nothing is coming to me, and for some reason that breaks my heart. The nothingness isn't luring me to sleep. I use my thoughts as a crutch, as helpful guides leading me in to the wanderings of my mind, and without them I am left to figure sleep out on my own.
Wish me luck, for in a few moments I'm closing my laptop, along with my eyes, and giving sleep yet another chance to steal me away for a few hours. I can only hope that through writing these thoughts my journey to a peaceful slumber is slightly eased.