Saturday, July 9, 2011

maybe is a slim read

DISCLAIMER: I'm about to get serious.  I know, crazy, right?  Sorry guys, I just needed to get a few things off my chest.  Feel free to move on if you wish.  No, really, I understand.  And, if you've stuck around, well here it goes...

Woody Allen's films always give me some new insight on how to better understand myself and the situations I'm going through at the moment or have gone through in the past.  It's what I admire about him as a writer and director; He moves his audience through verbalizing what they already know.  It's incredible.

Last night, I was in the mood for an Allen film.  I needed something, anything, to just clear my rambling mind, which is why I turn to film.  I needed someone else's expression to help me better understand my own.  All nestled in bed during my primetime of 1-4am, I went to Netflix to watch Hannah And Her Sisters.  It's been on my queue for a while, but I never felt compelled to watch it until last night.  It was perfect for my mood and my current situation.  Don't you love how one's creative intuition just works that way?

As I watch Allen's movies, I always see a piece of myself in every character, however vital or insignificant that may be (that's the glory of his writing, I believe).  But there was this one scene towards the end that really moved me in the most eye-opening of ways.  Allen's character Mickey, who has struggled with getting a grasp on life and his place in this vast world throughout the entire film, recounts the moment that turned everything around for him.  The things he says are just profound.

I want to breakdown.  I want to laugh, cry, scream, and be silent all at once.  I found it; I found an understanding.

Honestly speaking, I've been unhappy with my life the past few months.  Not to the point of wanting to put a rifle to the head like Allen's character.  It's just that I've seemed to have lost what seems like a handful of friends and an immense load of motivation due to the changes brought by growing up and moving on.  Everything from my faith to my trust in others (discounting my family, of course) has been rattled to it's core....and I'm only nineteen.  But I'm not frightened by any of it because I now understand that life changes as do the people in it, including myself.  I've realized that it's okay.  Heeding to cliche, life truly is what you make of it.  This is all a process, and though it's always good to question it, why not enjoy it while it lasts? If you're losing people from your life, so be it- more will enter.  I've slowly come to realize that it's alright not to be alright all the time, and it's alright to accept when you are.

I believe questions and concerns about everything to whether a higher being exists, why we exist, and are we significant are completely acceptable to ask because they further you in understanding who YOU are.  Life is truly divine when you look at it, but sometimes looking can be a difficult process with many ruts along the way.  And now I've reached the point of understanding that sometimes it's best to just accept where you are because it's just a step.  Life will move on eventually, really it well, so one must stop seeking as to how it will move on at all times and simply live.

Call this a psychoanalysis of self or an existential crisis of some sort, but I've gained some perspective.  Maybe you have as well throughout my ramblings, who's to say.  But I just had to share this with anyone who cared to read it (and if you did read it, thank you).  Despite your circumstance, life can be worth enjoying.  It feels nice to finally understand that.


  1. So glad that you are starting to take changes as a good thing, if you dwell too much on the past you'll miss all the new opportunities waiting for you.